


Tears Never Age

by JulietRoses



Series: Hurt Merlin One-Shots [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not Beta Read, Period-Typical Homophobia, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unrequited Love, Very brief and not detailed though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulietRoses/pseuds/JulietRoses
Summary: “If you did get the chance to identify your soulmate, you’d fall in love with them irrevocably. Merlin was trying his best to forget it, but sometimes the love you felt was just making it worse.”In a world where soulmates are the standard, it hits Merlin harder than he’d expected when his marries Guinevere.(A quick angsty one-shot about Merlin after Arthur and Gwen’s wedding inspired by Isak Danielson’s new song: If You Ever Forget That You Love Me. Unresolved, open for interpretation ending.)
Relationships: Guinevere/Arthur Pendragon, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Hurt Merlin One-Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196045
Comments: 17
Kudos: 106





	Tears Never Age

**Author's Note:**

> This was written very impulsively in the middle of the night. Whoops. I didn’t go to sleep so I could check it over again the next morning with a fresh mind, instead, I just needed to publish it. Therefore, it might be really bad, sorry! We’ll find out tomorrow when I wake up… 
> 
> The story and title are inspired by Isak Danielson’s new song: If You Ever Forget That You Love Me, which I discovered today. And it is mind-blowingly beautiful, like I can’t stop listening right now! It also immediately created this story in my mind. It’s a bit different than the lyrics but it was inspired by the feelings I got from the song next to the song text. :)
> 
> Quick warning: English isn’t my native language, and I don’t have a beta reader either. I’ve put my work through multiple grammar checks, but there’s a chance some errors made it through. I’m sorry in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes I might have made. I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway!

_Sometimes the love, the love of your life  
Can make you feel weak, too tired to fight  
But I'm trying my bеst to look in your eyes  
'Cause tеars never age and years never die_

The numbness was seeping into his bones. No tears had left his eyes this day, no shouts of anguish had escaped his mouth, of which Merlin tried to feel proud. But sometimes you knew the numbness was worse. Those days you longed for the cursed feelings now lacking, even sadness would be welcomed.

He could still feel the fake smile. He could still feel the loud applause after the ceremony on his hands. Feel the forced laughter from the afterparty. His walls were still up, he didn’t know if they would ever come down again.

The buzz of wine had also been present the whole day. It hadn’t helped.

That is the risk of hope. It’s a cruel little thing, always bringing that light deep inside of you to the surface. Making you imagine the best-case scenarios and completely forget the negatives. In a fight, hope will always win from your brain. Yet, no one ever tells you hope is just another word for a friendly lie helping you cope.

Merlin knew that now.

He’d been naïve.

A soulmate had always been a magical thing. It’s something granted to everyone, to the rich and the poor, the old and the young. When he was a child, before he’d met Arthur, Merlin had doubted the concept. A predestined happiness, a designated person for everyone chosen by biology was hard to believe, even for a child of magic.

Maybe his younger self had been right.

Merlin could still remember the day he’d first found out. Whenever he thought back to that day a fond smile would appear on his face. He’d been so careless back then. Not scarred physically and mentally yet. And when he’d spotted the galloping white horse on Arthur’s heart, he’d been lost for words for the first time in his life.

The horse was outlined with gold, making it stand out beautifully on the pale skin of Arthur’s muscled chest. It is a symbol of power and loyalty, representing both Arthur and Merlin perfectly. They’re both filled to the brim with loyalty, motivated by a love for their country and future. But there was also the power. Arthur held the power of a nation in his hands, with the prophecy of him as the king of Albion foretelling even more.

And Merlin? Merlin’s clumsy figure hid a power unparalleled through history. He held the power of the old religion, the power of magic never seen before. He was magic, he was power.

But the horse also symbolizes impulsiveness and the impetuosity of desire. Merlin knew this because he sported an identical mark on his own chest. And this impulsiveness had nearly cost him everything. Only the secret that must be kept to protect himself and everyone he held dear in a world where Uther had still reigned, kept him from tearing off his tunic and show his mark to his soulmate.

His magic once again had cost him his happiness.

And thus, Merlin had held his breath and said nothing. He’d dressed Arthur like nothing was amiss when his insides were bursting with enthusiasm. He’d found his soulmate; he’d found his love. And he’d already fallen in love with Arthur, he’d loved him sooner than he’d like to admit.

Merlin burst out in humourless laughter at the memory now. The manic laughter only stopped by another mouthful of wine he’d smuggled from the party. To be fair, he needed it more than the castle did at the moment. 

The one thing Merlin hated about his soul mark was the fact it was non-identifying. There was no life-changing moment, not one of his senses that suddenly changed when you met the one. There was no stopping time, no invisible string tying you to that person. No name is written on the body, nor is there a mark that completed itself as you saw it on another for the first time.

Destiny must be playing a joke on Merlin. Why couldn’t the mark have been a merlin bird? Making it obvious for Arthur who his destined was. Or even a bloody dragon on the wrist, making Merlin’s soulmate clearly visible to even the oblivious prat.

There was only a matching image, a symbolisation, a mark so unique it was only found twice in the current population of earth.

Merlin had worked for Arthur for so many years now, he’d dissected every part of the mark. He knew with a certainty beyond compare his mark was identical to Arthur’s. Even if Arthur didn’t know it, he was meant for the once and future king.

And there was the joke. Because a king was destined for no one. Royalty didn’t have the privilege of finding their soulmates, they married for power and connections.

Merlin’s face had fallen when he heard Arthur explain that fact. It was at a time he’d still been filled with hope. He could remember he’d been considering showing Arthur his mark because deep down he’d known Arthur felt the same love for Merlin.

The fact had felt like a spear to the chest. He’d asked Arthur if it would be the same for him. If Arthur wouldn’t even try finding his soulmate. Arthur had nodded.

“I know I’ll never be with my soulmate,” he’d stated.

Merlin had flinched, the hurt too big to suppress. “Why?”

“Reasons I can’t say. But it would be foolish to keep hoping, I’ve put it out of my head.” That had been the end of the conversation.

Merlin had repeated the conversation in his head for weeks. Had listed all the reasons possible for not finding your soulmate, then crossing off all the obvious ones Arthur would have just told him. Not many remained. The reason was obvious. Arthur knew. Knew not that his soulmate was Merlin, but knew his soulmate was a man.

And Camelot’s king could never marry a man.

Two men or two women sharing a mark were supposed to be platonic, the medieval church would not accept anything otherwise. Even though it was a disrespect to nature showing clearly that love was possible in everyone and in all forms, Merlin and Arthur would not be accepted together publically.

Same-sex soulmates thus loved each other in secret. Stayed in the shadows and posed as friends in the light. The “platonic” soulmates would then live together for the rest of their lives. If the authorities could truly be naïve enough to believe those people were only friends and thus allowed it, Merlin wouldn’t complain.

But he would never have that with Arthur. Arthur needed to marry. He needed an heir. And while Arthur might suspect his soulmate was a man, as Arthur both liked men and women romantically, the best Arthur could hope for was a wife he’d chosen himself.

Yet, Merlin had never expected it to hurt so much when he’d choose his love. He’d thought both he and Arthur would always long for each other, with Arthur marrying the princess of another country only for the benefits the marriage would provide.

Instead, Arthur fell in love with a village girl. Instead, Arthur fell in love with his best friend.

And instead of fighting for the right for them to marry, instead of fighting for a soulmate, Arthur fought for the right to marry a lower-born girl. He fought for Gwen.

It cut through him like a thousand hot needles going for his heart.

Merlin hated how he was happy for them. He hated how he wanted to despise the girl who got to marry his love but how he instead could only feel joy for his friend.

His younger self had been right. Not everyone had someone. The soul mark will just give you a hint in the right direction. You could still fall in love with someone else and love them more than anything. Like Gwen and Arthur did.

But if you did get the chance to identify your soulmate, you’d fall in love with them irrevocably. Merlin was trying his best to forget it. But sometimes the love you felt was just making it worse.

Merlin walked to the mirror Gaius owned for medical purposes. Gaius wasn’t home tonight. He’d to stay near the king to offer medical support if anything went wrong during the consummation of the marriage. He was also one of the people who had to confirm it. Merlin didn’t even want to think about it.

As he stood in front of the mirror with his chest bare, for the first time that night a tear escaped his eyes. He watched his reflection, a hand slowly coming up to cover the mark from sight. The mark now brought him pain instead of the hope it had always offered him.

Merlin would always stay loyal to his king, he would always keep loving his Arthur. He would protect him and fight for the Albion they will bring together. He will fight for that place on the other side of Arthur’s coin. Even if Arthur will always love someone else – will never know who his soulmate is, nor be interested to find out – Merlin will honour nature’s choice.

Merlin looked at the scars covering his body. Battle wounds proving his loyalty to his king. Scars showing how there was nothing left of the boy that once came to Camelot for a new life. In its place stood a man hardened with life. Blue eyes that questioned the motives of every person around, magical and nonmagical alike. A man who’d lost his ability to trust completely. A man whose shoulders slumped with the weight of the world and the loneliness consuming him.

He saw a warlock who didn’t believe in the magic of life anymore.


End file.
